I once heard Joan Halifax speak about the difference between what we desire and “what will serve.” Separating the two can be tricky. As a coach and strategist, I tend to start with wants. We can’t see the path forward, and the resources all around us, until we recognize what it is we’re trying to do. That said, there are times to put our wants aside. To recognize that each situation has its own unique logic. To rise to the occasion or surrender to it, even if the occasion is not to our liking. Wanting things is okay, as long as we can hold those…
Mindful metaphors
Human thought and language are both inherently metaphoric. Which means we never see or describe reality just as it is. Hence a paradox. Our metaphors matter because they determine what we can see and the meanings we can then make. And at the same time, no word, perception, or thought is ever fully true. So we can’t take them at face value. The secret to being miserable and/or unsuccessful is to believe your own thinking. Although we can’t get by without words, thoughts, and perceptions, we can be mindful of our relationships to them. We can create traps where our ideas…
Size matters
Sometimes our thoughts or emotions get overwhelming, repetitive. We get lost in their reality, and lose touch with the real world. At times like these, it’s helpful to remember that the part of the brain that controls conscious thought is small, and tires easily. The parts of the brain and central nervous system that handle emotions are larger. Larger still is your body. And larger than that is your environment… including your work station, diet, home, friends, digital networks, country, etc. Thought < Emotions < Body < Environment If you are stuck (thought) or stressed (emotions), notice that it’s sometimes easiest and…
No judgments
I was working out at a small gym recently. The only other two people there were a trainer and his client. The latter was a man in his mid-forties, who complained over the course of many minutes, and many exercises, about a woman named Sarah. He complained about Sarah’s parenting style. Her relationships. Her career choices. Reaching an angry crescendo, he said to his trainer, “I hate it when people say ‘No judgments’—that’s what we do as human beings, we judge!” That’s true, we do. But we don’t need to attach to our judgments. A judgment is always our problem, our choice to suffer. To close our…
Don’t be a pushover
In my twenties, I was in a bad car accident. As part of my long recovery, I tried a bunch of things, including at one point Rolfing. During our first session, my Rolfer tried to explain her practice. She talked about fascia, energy patterns, and “vectors.” I didn’t get it. So she pulled out an album of photos of her past clients, each one standing upright. She asked me if I could see turned-in knees, flared chests, uneven shoulders, tense necks. I could… but not really. At that point in my life I don’t think I had a clear image…
It’s a trap
We all create perfect traps so we can grow. We marry the person who triggers our desire and anger, showing us exactly how we are incomplete. We throw ourselves into jobs to validate our cherished ideas… and learn along the way how we are wrong. We get bored with solitude and stability, and leave our nests to find something new. We destroy our external systems to master new ways of being, one baby step at a time. On the surface, we struggle with reality, but our secret objective and intention is to accept it. To see it and savor it.…
Homeostasis
Homeostasis is a powerful concept. It refers to a complex system’s tendency to maintain equilibrium. When something changes, the system will actively try to restore the status quo. Only after these efforts fail will the system evolve and achieve a new equilibrium. Human systems are profoundly homeostatic. Bodies. Marriages. Families. Organizational cultures. Nations. Change, even positive change, will stress an existing system: You start a promising new job… and suddenly your skin breaks out. You go after a long-held dream… and then your loved ones subtly or overtly refuse to support you. (When you change, it can destabilize other people’s…
Coaching in person vs. over the phone
Many people wonder about the trade-offs between coaching in person versus over the phone. Most assume that in-person sessions are better, but that isn’t necessarily true. In-person sessions can be uniquely powerful, but as a coach and coachee I’ve been iteratively surprised over the years at how effective phone-based coaching can be. If you’re looking for a coach, but are skeptical about whether phone-based sessions are right for you, here are some thoughts to consider. Coaching in person: the pros As we often hear, over 70% of communication is non-verbal. And the bulk of that is neither fully conscious nor fully…
Ready, set, meditate
Daily meditation is part of my self-care and personal and professional development. Several people have asked me recently about the particular tapes and programs I use. Below are some of my favorites, which I’ve also added to the Next Us resources page. Meditating alone or with a group, guided or unguided, are all different experiences. Each one is worth trying. Personally, I find for my daily morning meditation that recorded instruction usually helps deepen my practice, leading to more calm and better insights. 1. Meditations to Change your Brain This is the companion audio CD to the excellent book Buddha’s…